Well, here we are again—pride month. There are few topics that are more emotionally charged these days than everything surrounding sexuality and gender. Due to the immense sensitivity, discussing these topics requires nuance and finesse. We cannot back down from God’s truth, but it is imperative that we understand the climate into which we are speaking.There are few topics that are more emotionally charged these days than everything surrounding sexuality and gender. Click To Tweet
There are certain areas in human existence where the demons of condemnation love to hover. Identity is one of those areas. That is what we see when Satan comes to tempt Jesus before He starts His ministry. What does Satan ask all three times? “If you are the son of God…”
If. . . IF you are the son of God. Identity.
How should we approach this topic?
The battlefield of this generation is raging around identity—namely sexual and gender identity. So, before we broach this topic on Mama Bear, we need to make sure that we are approaching it with the necessary ethos, gravitas, and sober attitude. This topic is, for many, an open festering wound. We can’t go casually poking around an open wound and expect people to thank us. It is easy to forget that the words we say, cloaked in scholarly language, can cut someone to their core, to their very soul. We can’t afford to do this kind of worldview surgery lightly.It is easy to forget that the words we say, cloaked in scholarly language, can cut someone to their core, to their very soul. We can’t afford to do this kind of worldview surgery lightly. Click To Tweet
The first time the Lord impressed this upon me was before I gave a lecture on the youth exodus. The week prior, a close friend called me to tell me that her son had just announced that he didn’t believe in God anymore. He was eight. I cried that night because the lecture just became that much more personal to me. I knew I needed to make some changes. The content didn’t change much, but the intro sure did. I needed a reminder that I was not just talking about statistics. I was speaking to a roomful of parents, some of whom were in great agony and self-condemnation wondering what they had done wrong. Truth is not to be used flippantly nor as a weapon.
Bringing it back to the current topic, a few years ago, John and I did a series for our church regarding Christianity and homosexuality. The week before our talk, one of the college campus leaders whom we adored left the church to pursue a same-sex relationship. I cannot say enough good things about that person. Her heart for God was always evident. She had a willingness to pray with others at the drop of a hat that was unparalleled. A spirit of love was one of her defining characteristics. You would be hard pressed to find someone who pursued people to show them the love of God more than this girl. And then she left the church a week before the talk. Our talk got real, real fast. It again reminds us that we are not just to be lobbing truth bombs over a protected fence of self-righteousness, letting them fall where they may and declaring “The word of God will not return void!” We have to remember that behind the issues surrounding Gay Pride month are real people, with real hurts, who have probably experienced real suffering. Click To Tweet
Why does this topic matter so deeply?
Because our sexuality is a big deal. I have witnessed close friends enter into sexual sin and whose relationship with God never fully recovered.
The best book I have ever read on sexuality is Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. In this compilation book, John Piper quotes the author Bruce Marshall. “The young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God.” What Marshall saw – and what few are acknowledging – is that there is a deep connection between God and sex. Piper later quotes Peter Kreeft saying “sex is the effective religion of our culture. . . Sex is like a religion not only because it is objectively holy in itself, but also because it gives us subjectively a foretaste of heaven, of the self-forgetting, self-transcending, self-giving that is what our deepest hearts are designed for, long for and will not be satisfied until they have.”
The main thesis of the book is best expressed by referencing a quote on page 16. “[S]exuality is designed by God as a way to know God in Christ more fully; and that knowing God in Christ more fully is designed as a way of guarding and guiding our sexuality… [A]ll misuses of our sexuality distort the true knowledge of Christ, and all misuses of our sexuality derive from not having the true knowledge of Christ.” To put it another way, when our sexuality is distorted, our ability to see God correctly is distorted. And vice versa—when our view of God is distorted, our sexuality will necessarily be distorted.
Since being married, I have watched this thesis play out on a variety of stages. I have had close friends who were dedicated to chastity, and Christ, and missions, finally get old enough to where they were just tired of fighting sexual temptation and gave in. And I’ve watched it destroy them. I’m not talking about rampant promiscuity. Anything that is outside the bounds of a biological man and woman joined in marriage is a deviation in our sexuality. We cannot engage in it and have our perception of God remain unscathed. I’ve seen this play out a hundred different ways with a hundred different people. There is no doubt in my mind that Piper’s thesis is absolutely correct.
So all this to say, our view of sexuality matters.
How do we approach people with same-sex attraction?
Again, bringing it back to our current discussion, what do we do with those who struggle with same-sex attraction? After all, in light of the quote by Kreeft, how do we deny someone the possibility of ever experiencing that “self-forgetting, self-transcending, self-giving experience” knowing that their heart is constantly longing for it? For the heterosexual singles, we can at least give them hope that it is possible. We are telling the person with same-sex attraction that there is no hope of them ever experiencing this in a way that honors God. Do not underestimate the pain that such a statement causes. We cannot back away from God’s word, but we need to understand what we are essentially telling the person who believes that same-sex attraction is their identity.
At this point, I find that many Christians find themselves at an impasse, caught between the false-dichotomy of truth and compassion. (And yes, this is a false dichotomy!) So this is my earnest, heartfelt plea to all Christians: If you broach the subject surrounding LGBTQ issues, please ask both yourself and your audience these two questions first. I believe it is paramount to framing the discussion. Christians find themselves at an impasse, caught between the false-dichotomy of truth and compassion. (And yes, this is a false dichotomy!) Click To Tweet
Question #1:
If same-sex attraction is not something you have ever struggled with, have you ever fully put yourself in a struggler’s shoes? Do you know what it’s like to long for something, created by God, that is supposedly a window into heaven itself, and be told that you are not allowed to experience it? Have you ever really tried to understand the longing, heartbreak, and loneliness that go along with someone who struggles with same-sex attraction, or have you been content to just say “The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it,” and go on with your day? Have you approached this issue as a clanging gong, all truth and no love?
Question #2:
Perhaps you are keenly aware of the struggles of those with same-sex attraction, and you have empathy, and mercy to their plight. You probably see the people who behave like those in question #1, and are trying to repair the damage that has been done under their loveless banner of “Biblical truth.” You’re doing your best to bring the love of Christ to a demographic who has been largely used as a scapegoat by the church. In doing so, however, do you find yourself tempted to support the LGBTQ ideology and actively champion for same-sex relationships? If so, what will your reaction be if, in studying Scripture, it does seem to say that same-sex relationships are not part of God’s design? Are you willing to tell God that you are more merciful and more loving than He is? What if it’s true that a distortion in our sexuality will necessarily lead to a distortion in our ability to see God? Are you willing to stand before God and say you helped someone stay in bondage to a distorted view of Him when it was His desire for them to walk in Freedom?
In conclusion…
These two questions represent the false dichotomy that we as Christians often believe are our only choices. And as much as we desire to do both–to embrace the Biblical truth of #1 while still having the demeanor of #2’s compassion, balancing these two important facets will always be a struggle. The firestorm surrounding gender and identity is speeding up and not slowing down, and as such Mama Bear Apologetics feel a burden to start addressing these issues. But I will say this now: there will not be a single article that we post that we do not link to this article first. I implore my fellow brothers and sisters to develop a similar approach. We want to be the aroma of Christ, not the stench of self-righteousness. I normally don’t pray on a blog, but I will pray this time: Lord, forgive us for the ways that we have erred on either extreme and please show us how to navigate this issue in a manner that is honoring to You, and in a manner that changes hearts and minds. Our goal is not just to be heard. Anyone shouting can be heard. Our goal is to be understood and persuasive. Please lead us as we try to be salt and light within an issue causing such damage to society and to our kids’ sense of identity. In your Holy name, Amen.
Hillary Morgan Ferrer is the founder of Mama Bear Apologetics. She is the chief author and editor of Mama Bear Apologetics: Empowering Your Kids to Challenge Cultural Lies and Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality: Empowering Your Kids to Understand and Live Out God’s Design. Hillary has her masters in Biology and has been married to her husband, Dr. John D. Ferrer, for 15 years. Don’t let her cook for you. She’ll burn your house straight to the ground.
“Why does this topic matter so deeply?”
That you care so deeply makes you look like a busybody. Someone else is happy–can’t you just leave it at that?
What consenting homosexuals do in their leisure time may not work for you, but there are far more heterosexuals engaging in crazy sex simply because there are so many more of them. Are you sure you’re not biased?
Beautiful!!! I just had to explain to my lesbian sister why I will not be attending her ceremony. It was completely out of love. She accepted it very well. I have also watched my same sex attracted uncle battle this my entire life. He is honestly the most unhappy person I have ever met in my life, but he even told my sister it is a sin and a battle she has to choose to fight the temptation of just like any other sin a person deals with. It is also very interesting me that most people I know with same sex attraction have been sexually abused to some extent.
Hello Bob. I haven’t seen you around in a while. Please read the article again. It addresses both of your questions. I know it may not sound like an answer that you would accept as an agnostic. That is why I phrased it as I did in question #2: what if it is TRUE that our sexuality and our ability to see God correctly are necessarily intertwined? IF that were true, wouldn’t you want to know? I know that you don’t really believe in God, so thinking that you are “seeing Him correctly” sounds like a pointless question. But for Christians, it should matter.
Interesting concept. I really think you’re on to something. However, I feel the second question can never be fully visited by many because, as you say, it requires one to challenge their own perception of how they see God. Some may want to know. Some would rather not. What I feel might being missed here, with your very valid point, is sexuality and sexual response is as much biological as it is emotional, by God’s design. It’s often stated “His perfect design” (add examples here), yet there’s general failure in discussing the “imperfect” products of His design, that were once considered to be results of sin, or punishment for unfaithfulness, etc.,but as science and education grew, were proved to be simply genetics.
I guess I feel like a good question, instead, might be, since the ability to see God could be tied with sexual emotion, couldn’t that also be seen as stating belief itself depends on one’s biological design, and He either intentionally created those who cannot see Him in order to punish (He doesn’t make.mistakes), or the idea of God is actually just a product of our sexual/emotional needs, and has been exploited in the past, by those seeking to gain power and control, yet has remained deeply ingrained in our culture?
it is so hard to show the compassion while holding to truth… and often it’s rejected even when it is pro-offered. It’s a hard discussion to engage in.
Annette, I totally agree. We’ll discuss this on the upcoming podcast, but there is a difference between ideology and identity. However, if a person refuses to make that distinction, anything you say against their ideology will be misconstrued as a personal attack.
Thank you for this article. There is much to ponder, pray about and look back to God’s Word about this topic and the questions you posed. I have been burdened by the idea of a PRIDE month (which I didn’t realize existed until this year) because of the lost souls and because of the evil agenda behind the culture that is promoted surrounding homosexuality and gender identity. I love people like Jesus tells us to (to the best of my ability as an imperfect human), but I feel there are greater things at play and have tried to show my children my convictions through things like not shopping at certain places that are boldly supporting or promoting this agenda. It is getting tougher and I’m not sure if that is even the best way to go about it, but I certainly do not want to call out individuals (we know people who are gay) in a way that is simply “a clanging cymbal”. Like I said, a lot to pray about. Thanks again.
Jessica, anyone who doesn’t treat it as you are is probably falling into one of the two extremes. Thank you for attempting to use discernment, love, compassion, and truth all at the same time. 🙂 It’s a hard road.
This statement of your’s caught my eye, “It again reminds us that we are not just to be lobbing truth bombs over a protected fence of self-righteousness, letting them fall where they may and declaring “The word of God will not return void!” I don’t profess to know and understand all of the moving parts of this equation but I agree with you that God’s will on this subject is clearly involved, not only for the individual who is affected by this experience but also by the one who is attempting to express and display God’s will on it. I’ve always seen the manner in which Christ dealt with the Samaritan woman at the well as a model of approachability. It is indeed a difficult subject to grasp, not just from a perspective or being right or wrong because God’s will is clear, but more specifically from a perspective of focusing on the underlying issues. We need to be able to see the person behind the sin, versus the sin in front of the person. It can be very difficult but looking beyond the sin is paramount in facilitating God’s available grace in overcoming this obstacle. I think you’re heading in the right direction. Heavy on prayer and reliance in God. Grace and blessings!
“Are you willing to tell God that you are more merciful and more loving than He is?” This right here, Hillary, is so humbling. Thank you for your deeply thoughtful exhortations that encourage us to walk this line so carefully. I read the book Messy Grace a couple of years ago and received some very helpful insight about how to balance truth and love on this very topic.
It is so encouraging to hear about other Christians who are so burdened to have a mix of truth and grace. Keep on keeping on, friend!
My husband was at one time involved in a Christian group which taught that homosexuality is akin to the unforgiveable sin, based on a full understanding of Romans chapter 1. I rebeled against that idea, until I really studied the chapter. Paul says that God turned some ppl over to that sin as a punishment for idolatry. This is why I now believe they are so hard to change. I don’t try to witness them now, I just work to protect children and society from their agenda, an agenda I have kept track of for decades.
I think you are right. Much of what we need to do with the LGBT+ community is to combat HORRIBLE mistreatment at the hands of Christians. Unfortunately, too many people think that the only way to do that is to affirm what Scripture calls sin. We can’t do that. But man, do we have a lot of apologizing and loving to do before the LGBT+ crowd will see Jesus and Christians as anything other than bullies.
Yes! Just yes!
I accepted Christ as a same-sex attracted teenager. I hadn’t “come out” to anyone at the time but I noticed how the Christian kids at my school would talk about homosexuality. I was aching for love and acceptance and I even knew what I was feeling about sexuality was in error but had nowhere to turn. At just the right time Jesus sent a kid, that I was so mean to, to tell me the gospel. Jesus worked on my heart and convicted me of my sin and showed me how to lay it at his feet. There is so much pain that goes on in this lifestyle and so many times the church does exactly what you said and just throws bombs like the word of god doesn’t return void. Jesus never told me homosexuality was ok, he dealt with it in me as I laid it down for Him to take.
Thank you for bringing this message to the spotlight this month.
Thank you so much for sharing this. What a beautiful story about how it was a kid that you were mean to that ended up bringing you the Gospel. I feel convicted. We can all learn from that kid.
Thank you Melissa for posting and being so transparent. You have given me hope! I recently found out that my 15 year old daughter has some same sex attraction. She likes boys too but the same sex part scares me. I feel like I have been in spiritual war fare since I found out two weeks ago. Thank you for letting me know there are others out there who have faced this and God won out!
Thankyou. I am presently preparing myself as an heterosexual to build a bridge, if God wants me too. I recently attended The launch of The Southend Festival, one aspect of which is Pride. Part of what they are doing is two faith events, a christian LGBTQ+ service and a multi faith LGBTQ+ gathering, both of which I am going to attend as a town chaplain. I have sat and spoken with one of the elders of my church to whom I am accountable and heard sage advice, so your post has certainly helped me towards my approach and I shall watch for further along these lines.
I’d love to hear feedback as to how that meeting goes.
Phew!! Just read the comments. I have ‘befriended’ a fifty-five year old lesbian. My heart goes out to her. She has come to me in tears a few times about how mean her ‘partner’ can be.
Please pray with me for her to want the true God in her life. She moved a few miles away and I try to keep in touch still.
Don’t give up on that relationship! Ultimately, people who struggle with same-sex attraction need to meet Jesus more than anything. Thank you for being such a good friend.
Just got an email from my friend. She is trying so hard to get a job and she told that she is having a hard time emotionally over it.
I told her to pray and I told her that the Bible tells us to be anxious about nothing but to pray about everything and then the peace of God will keep our hearts.
I told her that He loves her and cares about her.
All of us are sinners. We steal, lie, cheat, and so on, but we recognize these as sins. Even Jesus made lists of sinful attitudes (Matt. 15:19). None of us can be self-righteous because we’re all guilty. I think the greatest concern is that a large swath of the church rejects the doctrine that homosexuality is a sin. They reject the authority of the scriptures. This is where our battle must lie. Not with the sinner, but with the false teachers. We have to constantly confront them and ask them how they have formulated their new doctrine. A homosexual needs to hear the same gospel we all need to hear as sinners, but the false teachers need to be held off like Gandalf standing against Balrog with the words, “You shall not pass!!!”
Well said. I think the way we deal with the sinners and the way we deal with the false teachers should reflect Jesus–just as you described. False teachers don’t need coddling or hand-holding. They need accountability. Dealing with the people held captive to the false ideology and bad teaching need love, need to meet Jesus, and need to hear the same Gospel that we all needed to hear: repent and be united with the creator of your soul. I am no way implying that meeting Jesus will take away the attraction. But we all have parts of ourselves that we have to die to when we come to Jesus. It’s just different for different people.
Really appreciate your boldness and tact on this issue that’s such a hot topic right now. Glad I found your website tonight! Those 2 questions really dive into the heart of the matter. All the moving parts to this issue (to me) boil down to hate the sin, but love the sinner. What that actually looks like and how to handle people in those communities is the real test. I have homosexual coworkers, one who is married. They know I’m a Christian but they’ve only seen me be nothing but kind to them. I don’t bring up this issue to them but I try to exemplify Christ’s love instead by building a friendship. If the topic was brought up, it helps to focus on them first getting a relationship with God because like you said, everyone has something they have die to self when they follow Jesus. Tackling the topic of homosexuality as a sin would be next if they asked as they began reading the Word. Being prayerful and listening to the Holy Spirit’s guidance is key. We don’t have to agree with people to love them like Jesus loved us while we were still sinners, laying His life down for us all.
How about ask yourself how you would feel about judging and condemning people if your holy book turned out to be … and stick with me a second here…. total fiction. Which it is. Maybe ask what is the effect of being an bigot and trying to conform others to my incoherent inane beliefs by planting the seeds of hate and ridicule and dressing up the fruits of your labor in labels like truth and compassion. This is the worst wast of letters since someone wrote a book about what snakes say in the great S shortage of 1805.
Do you have any evidence or warrants that indicate that the Bible is fiction? Any at all?
Also all of us are bigoted, Christians, Hindus and atheists, bigoted means to be exclusive against. We are bigoted against sluts and pedophiles and you are bigoted against rebuking, which is teaching. Also it’s waste not ‘wast’. Also, how is the Author’s words bigoted or ridiculing?
Long story short shut up Karen.
Jesus says that thinking about doing something is as bad as doing it, so all of this is pointless. According to Christian doctrine itself, same-sex attracted people are committing the sin of having sex with other people whether they’re actually doing it or not.
This entire page is a pile of steaming nonsense.
Very good article and so glad I read it. I have a very dear friend who is gay and we have had many deep conversations. He was raised Catholic, understands what he is doing is sin and will say to me “I know I’m going to Hell” and my reply is always “my heart breaks when you say that, because I love you so much and I want you to enjoy heaven with me.” I sincerely believe that I am to love him, God will take care of judgment. I also have a niece who is very upset with me because I won’t tell her that her lesbian life style is acceptable to God. Unfortunately she lives in NY and is going to a church that teaches God accepts her lifestyle and there is no need to change. The culture tells us that anything we chose to do is ok … well it has always told us that really. I just listened to a podcast about how marriage between a man and a woman is a beautiful picture of marriage between Jesus and the church and I think telling our gay friends and family this is more loving that condemning their lifestyle.
Hello! I’m a teen that’s LGBT and Christian, and I just wanted to let you know that I’ve prayed and prayed for god to “heal” me, but really all throughout my life he’s shown me that he accepts me for who I am. I know you may view this as wrong, but with my relationship and faith with god I know that I’m worthy to enter the kingdom of heaven. I’ve been condemned for the way I am and it’s brought me to the verge of suicide, but god has always been by my side. I realized that if I kept trying to change myself to something I’m not, I would be destroying god’s perfect image for me. I know there are pages in the Bible that are against my kind of love, but many of these instances were rape and lustful homosexual sex. I know I can’t change your mind but I am certain that my relationship with god is strong even being a pet of the LGBT community.
And just so you know, I haven’t been “influenced” by friends to be this way, in fact most of my friends fall on the extremely homophobic side of Christianity as well as my parents si I haven’t told them. I’m just praying that someday I’ll be able to get myself out of this situation and find good Christian friends that will accept me and my walk with God.
Hello Tessa, I completely agree with you and I have had plenty of friends who have experienced a similar path to your own. I have also deeply studied scripture and theology both academically and spiritually. Please know that you are seen, heard, and not alone. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to check out Matthew Vines’ book “God and the Gay Christian” and Justin Lee’s “Torn”. They both have a mixture of lived experiences and theology/scriptural backing to their perspectives that are LGBTQ+ affirming. The Q Christian Fellowship is also a great resource for LGBTQ+ affirming Christian community. I hope and pray you are able to find fellowship in this type of community. I truly believe from what I have read and studied in scripture and discerned through prayer/discussions with spiritual mentors that being and living as an openly LGBTQ+ person is not a sin.
God accepts you and not your sin, repent of it. Your ‘love’ is an abomination, whenever you take communion you’re unrepentant sin compounds your debt. You are blind. You never were on the verge of suicide, you are just being emotional. God is disappointed and disgusted at your actions, repent.
You want ‘good Christian friends’? You just want people who do as you tell them to and cave to your preferences. You are so obvious and futile, repent
Hello! I’m a man that’s a pedophile and Christian, and I just wanted to let you know that I’ve prayed and prayed for god to “heal” me, but really all throughout my life he’s shown me that he accepts me for who I am. I know you may view this as wrong, but with my relationship and faith with god I know that I’m worthy to enter the kingdom of heaven. I’ve been condemned for the way I am and it’s brought me to the verge of suicide, but god has always been by my side. I realized that if I kept trying to change myself to something I’m not, I would be destroying god’s perfect image for me. I know there are pages in the Bible that are against my kind of love, but many of these instances were rape and lustful pedo sex. I know I can’t change your mind but I am certain that my relationship with god is strong even being a pet of the pedophile community.
Just a little change in Tessa’s post to help us see the futility of this argument. God calls us to confession and repentance of our sin, not acceptance. We will never be “healed” completely in this life and it is tiring and hard dealing with our sinful nature. But that does not give us the excuse to go on sinning. We are told to push on, not give up. I myself struggle with sexual sin, but I have never ever thought God is ok with it. Instead, I fight it. When I lose, I confess and ask God’s forgiveness and press on to the victory that awaits in Heaven.